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Nobodies Opinion April 2014

Kneecap

By Billy “Kneecap” Braddock

Last month I wrote about how I got here. “Oh my God I made it”, was pertaining to my physical presence. This month I would like to explain how I was able to achieve such a great attitude. I’ve been described as being arrogant, pretentious, condescending, and sometimes contentious. Actually, it comes from my humble disposition. It’s not easy being the anchovy on the pizza. My childhood may have influenced my thoughtful, reflective thinking.

When I was a kid I saw “Tarzan and Jane” almost naked with a monkey for a kid. An obnoxious wooden puppet called “Pinocchio” that had clothes made of flower paper, a hat made of bread and told lies. “Snow White” lived with seven dwarf men before running away with a Prince. “Popeye” was an uneducated, tattooed, pipe smoking sailor involved in a love triangle with Olive Oyl and Brutus. “Cinderella” who believed in fairies, rode around in a pumpkin pulled by mice, driven by a rat, while wearing glass shoes and staying out past midnight. Not to be outdone, there was a “Princess” running around kissing frogs while looking for a Prince. “Superman” was an illegal alien who took his clothes off in a phone booth. “Batman” whose real name is Bruce and his male partner Robin (who he would be able to marry now) drove 200+ miles an hour on city streets. “Mr. Magoo” drove a car even though he was so nearsighted that he was close to being blind. “Pac-Man” who looked like a pizza with a slice missing, ran around a maze chasing deterministic enemy monsters (Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde) listening to digitized music and taking performance-enhancing pills. The pot smoking mystery solving hippies, “Shaggy and Scooby”, who ate cheese pizzas with pickles because they always had the munchies. We sat in bean filled chairs watching TV that was filled with gun toting cowboys wearing white hats shooting the bad guys wearing black hats except for “Have Gun Will Travel”, when the black hat would shoot anybody. There was “Maynard G. Krebs”, the beatnik who had an extreme aversion to “work”, “marriage”, and “police”; but “does his own thing” by collecting tinfoil and petrified frogs while watching “The Monster That Devoured Cleveland” or “The Son of the Monster That Devoured Cleveland”. Maynard’s middle name was Walter. He would say that he was named for his aunt, and explains the “G” is silent.

These were just some of the things that were able to mold my warped mind into its present condition.

When people ask me what clubs I belong to I say “FU” (Fatties United).

  1. There are drunk riders, there are old riders. There are no old drunk riders.

  2. Dammit I’m Mad” spelled backwards is “Dammit I’m Mad”

Read more on my website nobodiesopinion.com

See you on the shiny side of tomorrow.

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