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Nobodies Opinion April 2015


By Billy “Kneecap” Braddock

Now that Bike Week is over, I decided to expand my brain in my big head. Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time researching trivia, politics, and history. I have now decided to expand my thinking and get into science and art. With all the hullabaloo about global warming (a.k.a. climate change) I decided to investigate the arts and sciences of climate change. The Green Tree huggers have given up on blaming CO2 gases on global warming and have now decided that methane (CH4) is more destructive to the atmosphere… So who and what produce methane? I understand wetlands, ocean leaks, termites, cows, and humans. Since wetlands are protected the warmers won’t mention it. I understand the ocean constantly is leaking methane as well as oil. I don’t have any termites or cows but I understand termites fart more and produce more methane than cows. After finally controlling cow farts, maybe we should put a catalytic converter up our asses.

So let’s look at the science of Farting. What is a Fart? “Frequently Activated Rectal Tremor”. The first part of the science of Farting is finding the Farter. Remember the saying, “Whoever smelt it dealt it?” That’s probably not true. The Farter probably would smell it last because the Fart would be propelled away from him. Some are also inaudible to the human ear, especially from females. You can only tell if she smiles, looks at somebody else, and all of the dogs in the neighborhood start to howl. The most famous Fart food is the bean. If Boston known for its famous “Boston Baked Beans” had eaten more of their beans and Farted more, they may have raised the temperature and not ended up with 9 feet of snow.

Now, let’s look at the Art of Farting. The art form of a good Fart has been around since man first started to eat fruits, nuts and dinosaurs. The Fart isn’t just a stinky buildup of gas released from your butthole. It can be called an art-form or a fart-form. Comedians have made a living off of Fart jokes for years. Have you ever said “Pull My Finger”? How many of you have held a lighter to your butt and let a blue flame shoot out and burn all the hair on your ass? Remember not to squeeze too hard or you might end up with Obamacare. Remember when Nancy Pelosi said “You have to pass it to find out what’s in it”. That’s a good definition of a stool sample.

April Is National Humor Month. Sometimes there’s a lot more truth in humor. I was sitting with a guy in a bar the other day and he said to me…quote “I’ve had bypass surgeries, hip and knee replacement, I’m half blind, can’t hear most things, take medications that make me dizzy, subject to blackouts and dementia, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can’t remember if I’m 80 or 90, lost most of my friends, but thank God I still have my Florida drivers license.”

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.

Read more of what I’ve got to say on my website

See you on the shiny side up tomorrow

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