By Billy “Kneecap” Braddock

“Oh my God I made it another month”. This month I would like to explain how I was able to achieve such a great attitude. I’ve been described as being arrogant, pretentious, condescending, and sometimes contentious. I’m not Bi-Polar, I’m just irritable, grouchy, and moody. Actually, it comes from my humble disposition, NOT! It’s not easy being the anchovy on the pizza. My childhood may have influenced my thoughtful, reflective thinking.

When I was a kid I saw “Tarzan and Jane” almost naked with a monkey for a kid. An obnoxious wooden puppet called “Pinocchio” that had clothes made of flower paper, a hat made of bread and told lies, almost as often as Obama. “Snow White” lived with seven dwarf men before running away with a Prince. “Popeye” was an uneducated, tattooed, pipe smoking sailor involved in a love triangle with Olive Oyl and Brutus. “Cinderella”, who believed in fairies, rode around in a pumpkin pulled by mice, driven by a rat, while wearing glass shoes and staying out past midnight. Not to be outdone, there was a “Princess” running around kissing frogs while looking for a Prince. “Superman”, was an illegal alien who took his clothes off in a phone booth. “Batman”, whose real name is Bruce and his male partner Robin (who he would be able to marry now) drove 200+ miles an hour on city streets. “Mr. Magoo”, drove a car even though he was so nearsighted that he was close to being blind. “Pac-Man”, who looked like a pizza with a slice missing, ran around a maze chasing deterministic enemy monsters ( Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde) listening to digitized music and taking performance-enhancing pills. Then the pot smoking mystery solving hippies, “Shaggy and Scooby”, who ate cheese pizzas with pickles because they always had the munchies. We sat in bean filled chairs watching TV that was filled with gun toting cowboys wearing white hats shooting the bad guys wearing black hats except for “Have Gun Will Travel”, when the black hat would shoot anybody. There was the Democrat “Maynard G. Krebs”, the beatnik who had an extreme aversion to “work”, “marriage”, and “police”, but “does his own thing” by collecting tinfoil and petrified frogs while watching “The Monster That Devoured Cleveland” or The Son of the Monster That Devoured Cleveland”. Maynard’s middle name was Walter. He would say that he was named for his aunt, and explained the “G” is silent.

These were just some of the things that were able to mold my warped mind.

I drink Vodka because I don’t like to keep things bottled up.

The party isn’t over until you’ve had your mug shot and made bail.

Love is not the best feeling. Finding a toilet when you have diarrhea is better.

Sometimes I miss my ex-wives but I can’t remember where I hid the bodies.

I do charity work daily by volunteering my opinion.

“Dammit I’m Mad” spelled backwards is “Dammit I’m Mad”

Read more on my website nobodiesopinion.com

P.S. I’m writing this from my hospital room where I’m being treated for oral cancer caused from smoking.

Like they said in the military, “Smoke’um if you got ’em”.

I hope to see you on the shiny side of tomorrow.

Get better soon, who will remind us of how much better life was when we were young if you don’t! I love you Kneecap and whether you agree with everything he writes or not…Kneecap has given us food for thought monthly for 8 years, made us all think…sometimes cringe…but always think! GET BETTER OR ELSE I WILL HAVE TO MISS YOU!!!

LULU (your biggest fan)!!!