By Billy “Kneecap” Braddock

Now that we’re tired of singing Auld Lang Syne, I want you to reflect back on 2013.
If you received your information from the mainstream media, you received your news from unnamed sources, who received it from non-corroborative hearsay or unverified rumors, who were given unsubstantiated facts with a liberal biased intention.
Personally, I prefer to get all my information from the Internet. You don’t need a brain or memory if you use Google. We all know that everything you read on the Internet or in your e-mail is the truth.
So reflecting back, I wanted you to know the things I’ve learned in 2013.
I solved the age-old question
“Which came first the chicken or the egg?”

• I ate the egg for breakfast and the chicken for dinner
• Everyone considers honesty a virtue, but nobody wants to hear the truth
• If people would stop having kids we wouldn’t need teachers
• I have HIV “Hair is Vanishing”
• I also suffer from CRS “Can’t Remember S#!t”
• Republicans can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory
• 50 years have passed and I still haven’t used the calculus or trigonometry I studied in high school
• I tried being an artist but I was only able to draw a blank
• I wanted to drink in moderation but I couldn’t find a bar named “Moderation”
• I didn’t want to be everybody’s cup of tea until I started drinking Twisted Tea
• If everybody wants everything to be faster why do we use slow cookers
• Liberals tell you they want to expand government to make it smaller
• When a politician tells you he wants to be part of the solution you know you have a problem
• If you can’t see the problem you can’t fix the problem
• My editor wants to replace me with a smart phone
• When I can’t laugh at myself I call someone and they laugh at me
• Don’t use a glue stick or hairspray for underarm deodorant
• When bobbing for apples it’s more interesting when you replace the water with vodka
• I should’ve been a football coach as an Offensive Coordinator. I can coordinate more offensive comments than anybody I know
• I wanted to be a PORN STAR but they only offered me a part in zombie movies cause they said everything I had was DEAD
• It’s not the early bird who gets the worm, but the last one who gets the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle
• Birds and politicians have a lot in common they don’t care who they crap on
• You can still vote Democrat after you’re dead
• Politicians will never LIE to you. Just ask the President
• Coal should have been the President’s stocking stuffer but he had Bankrupted all the coal mines

See you on the shiny side up tomorrow…