Something happened tonight that made painful memories rush in and consume me once again. Funny how you can push those feelings somewhere inside where they can’t reach you. Then out of nowhere those thoughts can overtake your entire being. Tears flow, sobbing starts, that internal ache returns. All as if it never went away. It won’t last long this time. Not like the endless days and nights of it in the beginning. In a way tonight was a gift for me.

I had a casual conversation with someone that had experienced the tragic loss of a loved one by suicide recently. They were still in that raw gut wrenching agony of grief that comes with the loss of a loved one. Anytime we lose someone it hurts deep inside. But only those who survive the loss of a loved one by suicide can understand that this grief is different. Guilt and the senselessness of it is quite powerful.

In the initial phase of grieving you try to make it an hour without crying just so you can do things like pay your bills. Then maybe you go a day or two, finally a month may pass without crying and eventually you won’t remember the last time you cried for them. And after 11 years it almost seems unreal that it really happened. Now the reason this chance meeting which caused me to cry all the way home was a gift is because as time passes and you try to put that tragic day and the agony it brings somewhere deep inside you so that it can’t hurt you anymore, you almost lose that portion of your life and I question was it real. Tonight, I felt every moment of it, not just for me…I was sad for this kind man too. I knew exactly what he was going through.

Suicide is an epidemic in this country right now. Teens, vets, male and female are taking their lives every minute of the day. Suicide by veterans right now is 19 a day!!! Over the past 15 years the suicide rate has increased 24%. It is the 10th leading cause of death in the US for all ages. Approximately 105 Americans die every day.

I am writing this for one reason, if you are dealing with feelings of despair or know someone that seems lost in sadness. There is help and hope. Reach out for it. Call a suicide hotline, go to a doctor and if it is bad go straight to the ER. Do not think for one minute that by ending your life anything is better. You simply pass the torch of your pain to those you leave behind and with your last breath those you love will be changed forever.
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Buy a stranger a drink, ride on a suicide awareness benefit and don’t forget your sunscreen!