By Billy “Kneecap” Braddock

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Whoever said, “It’s the ride, not the destination” never rode 5000 miles with a “Boney Butt”. If I had not invested in an Air-Hawk seat cushion, and six bottles of Monkey Butt power, my hemorrhoids would have turned into ass-teroids, and I would have had to make most of the ride standing on my floorboards. However, I made the trip to Sturgis and back. I’m still thanking “Throttle” (The Great Biker God in the Sky). However, I must of pissed off “Ra” (the sun god), because while going through Tennessee he turned the thermostat all the way up. Riding down the interstate with the air temp at 110 degrees, feeling the breeze of truck exhaust in my face, all I could think of was “How cool is this ?”. The Sun turned my nose into something that would have made Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer ecstatic. You see I have a rather large nose. I’m the guy they talk about when they say “If he walked into a wall with an erection, he would break his nose”.

After Tennessee, “Ra” must have felt sorry for me because he sent “Eudora” (goddess of heavy rain) to cool me off. 4 hours later “Iris” (goddess of rainbows) took over. I must have invoked some divine favor because I was guided into the land of corn, soybean, sunflowers and hay. Miles and miles of corn, soybean, sunflowers, and hay. I could hardly catch my breath.

We finally arrived in South Dakota. We started with the Badlands. 244,000 acres of abruptly rising sharply eroded buttes. After an awesome ride we proceeded to our reserved cabin at Palmer Gulch, Hill City. Looked great on their Web-site, but it was very misleading and deceptive. The cabin was a cardboard box with windows. No TV, A/C, cell coverage, and very limited WIFI. The shower was so small; you needed to put your feet in the sink to wash them. One night was enough. The next day we exited stage right to a motel in Rapid City. Guess, I’m getting spoiled.

Every day, we would ride a different venue. Mt. Rushmore, Crazy Horse, Custer, Keystone, Deadwood, etc. All rides were awesome, but five really stood out.

#1 Needles Hwy. 14 miles of narrow road, hairpin curves, low tunnels, and impressive granite spires.

#2 Spearfish Canyon. 20 miles of narrow canyon with scenic mountain views.

#3 Wildlife Loop Road. 18 miles where we saw Bison, Deer, Prairie Dogs, and a herd of donkeys so big I thought there was a Democratic convention.

#4 Old City Road. 16 miles of twisty road that runs between Hill City and Keystone. It crosses the 1880 Train railroad tracks 14 times. We got lucky and encountered the train half way along.

#5 Iron Mountain Road. 16 miles of winding, climbing, and single-lane tunnels that frame Mount Rushmore. There are also three corkscrew shaped pigtail bridges that wind down underneath themselves. The day we made that ride Tloloc (god of rain and hail) came to visit us. That trip gave the term “Butt Pucker” a new meaning. My Butt Puckered up so tight I was constipated for three days.

I wasn’t all that impressed with Sturgis downtown. It reminded me of Main Street Daytona during Bikeweek. Also, most of the names of the towns and places were non-descriptive. With a State named after Lakota Indian tribe, one would think it would have a more Indian influence. Look at us in Florida (named after flowers) we have names like Apalachicola, Immokalee, Okeechobee, etc. I did see two rivers that made me smile. North Skunk River and South Skunk River. Not to my surprise the North smelled worst than the South.

On the way back, Aeolus (god of wind) and Eudora (goddess of heavy rain) tried to intervene, but the main GOD rode with me and I got home safe.

If you decide to go next year take extra time and do the side roads, and your bucket list will overflow.
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